The Rules Do Not Apply
I wrote this newsletter looking in the mirror.
One of my favorite moments in pop culture is probably this video of Prince singing Cream live. The first time I ever watched it was after my mom told me about it. We were listening to Cream together one day, and she mentioned that once Prince told the audience he wrote the song while looking in the mirror and how she always remembered that. To me, that was one of the best things I had ever heard in my life. My favorite line from the song always has been
“Make the rules/Then break them all 'cause you are the best.”
I think about THE RULES a lot. Rules are everywhere, but the ones I roll my eyes at the most are fashion-based rules. I categorize the rules into two groups, the good kind, and the bad kind. The bad kind of rules are the ones that are set by someone else. Rules like no white after labor day, or take one piece of jewelry off before you leave the house. Most of these rules are set to alienate, oppress, or minimize people who others have decided “don’t belong” in an industry that thrives under a diverse collective. While I am not the demographic that is alienated from the industry I hope to always acknowledge and credit the community of people who so often are. I love a diverse body of ideas– these ideas and the people who have been shut out from the industry often build the roots for From My Search Bar.
I think of the bad set of rules as a dusty old scroll with words that some 9,000-year-old woman wrote once in Vogue. These are the rules that don’t apply. When someone brings them up my immediate reaction is who cares? The no orange and pink together people, the “my ex-boyfriend once said stripes make you look wider” people don’t get a say, and should never have ever had a say, in what you’re wearing. Following any rule that bends to your insecurity validates the worst ideas of yourself.
Of course, there are many rules we abide by to feel good about ourselves. The rule, in order to be a good one, has to be made from a place of acknowledging what you like about yourself. To make a rule it must first be designed to withhold a good look for you. I make the rule that my skirts are mini to withhold my love of my legs, it is not because someone told me I look bad in long skirts. It’s one thing to dress to your own taste, to know your body and how you want it to look. It’s another battle to surrender your own wants and desires to make other people comfortable with your existence.
A few weeks back my friend Arbela posted a story, TikTok, or post neither of us could really remember but she had asked her followers what fashion rules they broke. I loved the conversation, wherever we had it. It stemmed from a larger piece about. If you haven’t followed her or listened to her podcast please take a look. She is amazing. But the conversation was genuinely really wonderful because it gave the power back to the people actually wearing the clothes. A reminder that just because someone else has decided THE RULES, doesn't mean you have to follow them. The bad rules for the most part are not meant to be followed and in fashion now they are so amended and rewritten there is no use trying to make sense of them anyways.
I feel that, if you spend so much time trying to follow the rules of fashion you won’t get to that pure joy fashion and personal style can provide. By its very nature fashion is a call and response. One person makes the rules and then someone else breaks that rule and in a king-of-the-hill fashion, the breaker becomes the rule maker. It’s a cycle. Take for example the it piece of fashion season’s past, the Miu Miu micro skirt. I swear to god that piece is currently haunting closets everywhere. We saw it on everything. It felt all too predictable and natural that the long denim skirt came along and zapped my beloved micro mini from the minds of it girls everywhere.
It was no surprise to me, in fact, I think if I really thought hard about it, I could have seen it coming from a mile away. In trying so hard to rebel and be shocking to those around us, I think we do what is exactly anticipated. That predictability of the cycle makes personal style so much more elusive. Although we can predict easily the machine of fashion trends, people are harder to decipher. Personal style is a sort of golden good rule book, that only the creator can read. In turn, the greatest ideas sprout from someone who only was doing something for the love of it all, instead of the sales or the shock.
This is where we get into the good rules. The kind of rules you set for yourself when getting dressed. Like any art form, rules must be established to contain all your freedom. Art is often projected as this free spirit route and that’s pretty accurate. Still, it would be chaos if you didn’t offer any sort of guidelines for yourself. There has to be a point somewhere that becomes your reason for doing anything. Even if it’s just to make yourself feel good. If you do it right, the rules often give you a sense of purpose, while highlighting your unique perspective.
These rules are flexible and are meant to just give you something to be aware of. I have plenty of rules I live by. I never wear sandals with an ankle strap because I never ever like how they look. I also never look at Pinterest before getting dressed because it makes me feel like I want to wear too many things and upends my closet intuition. No skirts longer than my fingertips, and never buy ANY piece from a viral TikTok. I don’t buy more than two pieces if I go shopping. I plan ahead with the pieces I need and gauge what I want those pieces to be without consulting outside sources. I also NEVER wear sneakers.
These are my rules, and I always feel like I have to explain these statements to people. Vogue has never written a piece saying
“Hey, guys no sneakers now.”
That’s just something I decided for myself. It’s not that I don’t like sneakers or the viral dress, I just know that if I were to break these rules in most cases it would push me farther away from the identity I know to be my own. It would invite miscellaneous factors that I have worked hard to ignore. It would often mean, in breaking these rules, that I was getting dressed for someone other than myself. These are my rules, these are not your rules. I said in my last newsletter I invite you to break my rules and I stand by that statement. I do not admire blind agreement, I do admire people who figure out what to wear themselves, who can be inspired but not influenced. People who, in short, have a distinct point of view. They give themselves space to grow and have a certain sureness about their own ideas. It’s why I dislike being called an influencer. In many ways I am not trying to sell anything, I am just trying to live my life alongside all of you. To share the things I love and hear what you love too. Much like the industry, I like my social media to be a call and response.
That’s the whole point of this piece, encouragement to evolve past what other people tell you, to use your brain. Your personal style evolves with you. Sometimes what you want goes against the rules you have set for yourself. That’s great. I used to have a no-denim rule. Jeans at the time were something of a shit show (must I site pajama jeans) and everything was too tight and I hated it, so I never wore them. It took years before I found myself gravitating towards Levis again. The older I got, the looser my jeans became I suddenly found myself breaking what was at the time my oldest rule.
It’s fun now, to look back and see that evolution. To see the rules that don’t apply anymore that I had once lived by. It gives a sense of personal growth, of maturity. I find when I look back to the person I was in those times, somehow my clothes reflect what it meant to be me, there is a sense of real change. It fills me with that same sense of nostalgia you get when you see a teacher you had a few years back. Not gone, but not here. Personal style can be quite spiritual, but I think you have to have a deep sentimentality for things in order to get it. These things are you in some way.
It is hard, that’s the thing. To make your own rules you have to really think about what your own personal style is. You have to shut out everyone else. It’s worth the effort. It helps build confidence because you’re building an outfit out of love instead of out of insecurity. You aren’t spending your time hiding or avoiding you’re actively grabbing what appeals to you. The sooner you do that the easier it is to apply this mindset to your life.
It’s not just personal style, but I find introducing it to your closet helps introduce it everywhere else. There are so many rules set for us every day, and there’s this strange feeling of having to abide by things that don’t serve you. I think it’s because it just feels easier to give in, but it’s not always easier on the mind. Rules like everyone is to have children and everyone should go to college at 18. Despite what it seems, the world will keep turning if you do what’s best for you, even if people don't like it.
Prince also has this other great line,
dearly beloved we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life
I hope your rules help you get through this life with ease, comfort, and compassion, instead of forcing you to align with ideas that hurt you. Let your own ability to make and break your rules remind you that other people won’t always want the same things you want and that’s okay. Our differences break the illusion that we are all here to do the same thing and be the same person. The idea that rules are binding is an old one, rewrite it all, and don’t forget to tell me all about it.