About two years ago I started From My Search Bar. If you have been here a long time you’ll know that it was originally an Instagram segment for my stories where I showed everything I was googling. At the time it was the only good thing in my life. I had seven dollars (I am not even kidding a little) to my name the day I posted my first go at it. It was one of the first times in a long time I held onto any joy. It reminded me that I am always an artist, even if I lack the tools I desire to use. It has since turned into a newsletter that focuses on cultural criticism. I have never described my newsletter as such myself, this is what people tell me.
I am a sentimental person, I spend a lot of time thinking about all the things I have done, all the places I have gone, and how good it is that I get to be the person that I am. I save everything, I remember everything, I photograph everything. I remember so that if I ever am in a position like I was at 25, I know that life has time and time again given me signs of hope and optimism. Even when my life is at its very lowest point, I am always aware that the bad times will end. Something that I am very privileged to be able to do.
This newsletter remains the reminder of that end that I waited for at 25. My hope is always that these “essays” I write are a positive reminder that life doesn’t have to be the way people tell us it should be. We can be artists even if we are uncertain how to get where we want to go. We can refrain from overconsumption. We can use the things we have, the special occasion is every occasion. We can be good people. We can get through bad times, and see good times again. We can fail, and we can win.
My sister does this amazing thing for her newsletter, every year she writes a gratitude list and I thought maybe I would try one too. She gave me permission to do this by the way. I am stealing but, ethically. I believe it’s a great practice. So here is mine.
I am grateful for Anthony Bourdain. I have to start with him because, above everyone I have ever read or looked up to, his work encouraged me to write the way I spoke. Alongside this his writing and shows and everything he did encouraged me to be myself, so to speak. To lose all ego, admit mistakes, to be opinionated and to change that opinion frequently, to be a person, and acknowledge my own and everyone else’s humanity.
I am grateful for the Amtrak train from which I write this. For the AC, a luxury I don’t have in my apartment.
I am grateful for everyone who reads my newsletter. The thing is when I began it a few years ago I never really thought it would be anything. Something like a diary. I didn’t really care if anyone read it, but I do care when people do read it. It makes me feel like my output into the world may be good, even if only for one person
I am grateful for Niantic Connecticut, the place of my birth. There is no better place to experience each season. Even if New York feels like the only place I could live, Niantic is the only place I could have grown up, come into myself, and discovered where I was to go. Each beach, each bike ride, and each winter snow helped me see the beauty in what is temporary.
I am grateful for mini skirts, without a doubt the best invention of all time. I am unbiased in this. I believe life is better, life is perfect, in a mini skirt.
I am grateful for Mike Mills, who made me feel okay for often being quite literal. In art school many critiques were reminders that I shouldn’t be too literal, I didn’t know why. If the very start of Beginners gave me anything, it was a greater sense of sureness, over what it is that I make and how I make it.
I am grateful for the ocean, the place I feel most myself.
I am grateful for the print that was purchased two years ago, when I was at a very low point, and the domino effect that led me to now. When I think of it, that one purchase led to many great things, but none so great as you.
I am grateful for Daphne, the girl I babysit. She has in many ways changed how I view the world and myself. She creates a warmth no other person offers me. She is the very best of all of us.
I am grateful for hotdogs, no further explanation.
I am grateful for navy sweaters; they are the best thing to come into my life since air. I love a lot of cliches but loving navy sweaters is my sweetest one
I am grateful for striped tops, how could I forget? Everyone who enables this love of mine is crazy and yet I love them for it. Chic, that’s all I have to say.
I am grateful for FIT, for teaching me everything I know and encouraging me to go beyond what I imagine my art could be.
I am grateful for my roommates Morgan and Rebecca. You make our apartment less like an apartment and more like a home. There used to be very little joy coming back to the place I lived, but now there’s an immense amount of it. You two are the reason.
I am grateful for the Everlane Crew. I think about the time before I started, how miserable I was, and how much better my life became because you guys were part of it. Each one of you is someone I now can’t live without. A lifetime of Emotional Rescues is in our future.
I am grateful for the dreamers.
I am grateful for my first-ever roommates at FIT, Maddie, Kelly, Jenny, and my honorary roommate Chloe. I know that we spent that last half of college not speaking to each other but I am glad we found our way back home. I have photographed you for nearly a decade now, and it’s hard for me to explain what a unique privilege it is. Our memories together have woven their way into my personal map of Manhattan. Even when we aren’t together I am greeted by the reminder of what we’ve done here. In that way, I see you everywhere.
I am grateful for photobooths, because they give people a chance to document themselves, and so each photo strip of me is filled with joy. when I am in those booths I am always beaming at the prospect of having a little takeaway from such a temporary moment.
I am grateful for people who advocate for accessible art. Either in writing, photography, fashion, personal style, or any sort of medium. The ability for people to make and express themselves without feeling as though they lack the tools or because they feel for whatever reason like they shouldn’t, is what makes an innovative and wonderful artist. To discredit and scoff at people who don’t have all the resources would be a disservice to the medium that thrives when we give people a chance. I am grateful for the people who encourage as opposed to dismiss.
I am grateful for all the artists who do not have all the resources but are giving it a go anyway.
I am grateful for the artists who have part-time jobs in the meantime, you’re doing it.
I am grateful for everyone who takes a risk on their art and dreams.
I am grateful for my parents who by all accounts could have asked me to be something like a doctor or anything practical but who let me at 18 go off to New York. I am grateful for the lifetime of love and encouragement you have given me. I don’t know how to tell people how great you are, it’s too hard. There aren’t the right words to describe it. Given the opportunity to go back and do it all again, to get to pick a different life say, I would always pick this one, where you are my mom and my dad.
I am grateful for Keil and Chloe. My first best friends. You guys wanted to be artists before me. You saw what I couldn’t in the world of creativity. You taught me to dream and work the way that I do. I talk about you guys like you’re celebrities, that’s because to me you are. The best parts of me, are the parts that came from the both of you.
I am grateful for libraries, for giving everyone an equal chance, including me.
I am grateful for My FIT crew, who have kept me sane since I moved to the city. Who were there when hearts were broken, film was ruined, and shirts were stained with fixer. You guys made it possible for me to stay, to not be afraid to do what I have always dreamed of doing. When I think of growing up, and I remember you will be there too, life feels less frightening and more exciting.
I am grateful for Stella Blackmon, who changed my life just by being part of it. The most talented and encouraging soul who without fail picks me up in ways that are unimaginable. I am a better artist because I know her. She is one of the greats if not the best of the best.
I am grateful for Maria and Gina Wurtz, who without fail make me laugh at just about everything. Who manages to make the worst times, the best times. Who are always up to no good with us, but who make it worth something anyway. I am also grateful for Maria who is, right now, buying travel-sized things for our trip to London.
I am grateful for green leaves and grass and flowers, I wait longingly to photograph you every year.
I am grateful for the mundane, my favorite thing to photograph. There is something so wonderful about life at the most normal point. I love what connects us all. I am grateful that I can recognize the beauty in what I am always seeing.
I am grateful for Katy Roughton who made me feel like a real photographer the first person to ever do such a thing. Who also was right, we were destined to be friends and who I am endlessly excited to see in a few short days.
I am grateful for the lovers, who despite being pushed aside in the hater era, choose to talk about all the things they love and cherish instead of all the things they hate.
I am grateful for Sloane Crosley who also shaped my writing and girlhood since I was 22. Who I waited up to meet at an event and who never showed. Honestly, you were right, the party was kinda over anyway.
I am grateful for the licensed drivers who get me everywhere, the forever passenger.
I am grateful for the family I babysit who manage to make my days far brighter and better. Who have become a staple in my life, who give me something to miss all summer long.
I am grateful for summer.
I am grateful for the end of summer, which always feels terrifying in July but is so welcomed in August. I always say I am going to take it easy in the summer and for some reason that never happens. I say yes to just about everything, and so when August finally ends and September begins I feel grateful that time passes.
I am grateful for Marcy and Lady, the cats that warm my heart and soul every day. There is no love, like the love I have for you two. But also the cats of our apartments past. Milo, Rizzo, Watson, Mia, Garbage Boi, and Jojo. My love for you has never changed, even when you are no longer here.
I am grateful for the dogs Ramsey, River, and Bear. Dogs are special in the case that they prove there is always someone excited to see you, even when you are at the edge of disaster. I am grateful that at my worst, there was still someone to love me
I am grateful for my extended family who have always been a thrill to see and love and catch up with. I am aware of the privilege of loving my family. I am aware of the Aunts and Uncles who despite our differences and changing lives, always want to see us. I am aware that the cousins I grew up with who I shared childhood and adulthood with, are a rare sort of relationship that I wouldn’t wish away or change for anything. I am grateful I have love to give and love to receive and that I never felt cheated out of anything.
I am grateful for kissing
I am grateful for divas
I am grateful for every weird and wonderful camera I get to use and the way it allows me to remember the best parts of my life. I am grateful people are patient in the waiting between me photographing a popsicle, and us getting to our destination. Who then deals with me photographing them
I am grateful for the people who let me photograph them. It’s how I know to love.
I am grateful for the Urban Outfitters groupchat. And then there were 4…you made that time in hell, a pretty great place. If I had to do it all over, just to meet you again, I wouldn’t hesitate. Thank you for the laughter.
I am grateful for Cowboy Beetlejuce, and Michael Keaton.
I am grateful for the songs Santa Barbara 1979 and The Winner Is. The songs I use to write my anti-vlogs help remind me that life isn’t so bad if we really stop to look at it.
I am grateful for margaritas good and bad. The drink of my youth and beyond.
I am grateful for all my impractical shoes because I lack the logical outlook that comfort should be my top priority. I am grateful that for all the shit people talk about you, you never let me down.
I am grateful for the great city of New York. I happen to like this place, it’s not for everyone. Often New York City is framed as this place that knocks you down, though I have always found that it brings me to the places I never thought I could be (in a good way). I am forever indebted to you New York, for showing me a good time, and the very best people.
I am grateful for Kelvin, who I run into everywhere. We will meet each other, in every lifetime.
I am grateful for poetry, even though I hate it.
I am grateful for the loves of my friends’ lives, who keep room for the girls always.
I am grateful for the people who broke the cycle of hurt and became better people
I am grateful for each cup of tea that keeps me together.
I am grateful for 18-year-old Ava, who in some way had the right idea when it came to taking leaps of faith and who has since not steered me wrong. I am grateful that the time you cried in your dorm room wondering if you made a mistake, did not discourage you from giving it a go. I am grateful that I in some ways, am making you proud
I am grateful for 5-year-old Ava, who was shy and soft, and who is still here.
I am grateful for 27-year-old Ava, who does not find the need to prove that she is strong, who knows what she wants and is uncompromising, and who keeps going even when it is hard.
I am grateful for life. All of it. Every moment of doubt and discovery makes each day a wonderful new thrill that I catch at the end of each finger.
I am grateful for my sentimentality and optimism. It is often seen as a great big naive fault, but it reminds me that good is always coming.
Thanks again,
Ava
This one had me in my feels 🥹🥲
I love this and you🩵🩵